Oh man, I don't wanna be a very bad girl.

But I just can't control myself.

I just don't wanna hold stress inside me anymore


But I don know where to release it
I don wanna be a bad girl...


I've been good so far
I've been trying to make other people happy
I've been doing what I can as much as possible


God why you give more struggles on me?
I thought I've been struggling with living with stress, but do you think I haven't done enough?


It always drove me crazy...
Oh yeah, always, all the time.

I've been putting put with it... God wasn't that enough?
Do I have to be more tough?
Do I have to be more gentle to everyone?

I don't think I can be...
I'm not so kind, I know.
I've been selfish all the time, I know that too.

But I had a very unpleasant life in the past...
I have so many bad memories I don't even wanna remember in early schooldays...

And through those events I've been learning how to get along with people I like and don't like.

At some point of my life I noticed it just makes me really bad to try to get along with people I don't like.

So I decided not to communicate with them...
Was I wrong with it?

Do I have to smile at someone I really don't like?

Is this just an excuse to escape from the fact?


I don't know...
I don't know who really am I...


These days everything arround me got crazy.

I can't study better than before
I can't make my teachers happy
The teachers don't like me at all
They are even hostile to me

I can't express myself very well
I usually don't have anyone next to me to talk with
I'm always alone in my room

I was okay with it for a long time
But now it just makes me deeply depressed


I know that I am not the only one struggling with something hard
Actually I have seen many people struggling more than me
And I've been trying to help them


I found, however, that I'm really a lonly person
I don't know how to depend well on friends
I don't know how to depend well on my family
Eventually I can't stand me myself being helped by somebody
It makes me so ashamed... I don't wanna be troublesome for people around me...

I'm lonely...
But I also hesitate to ask someone to help me... ask someone to be with me

Such a lonely person...

I guess that's why I don't wanna live longer
I don't wanna be the reason why people around me feel bad


If someone asks me to live, I do.
If someone asks me to stop living, I will probably do.


I think now Im not living for myself, but for HIM...
I need a bit more time...just a bit more
to get myself back to the reality...


放心状態。